


how does it feel to be the fifth wheel?

by pantasticlams



Series: if i could text her [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Explicit Language, F/F, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, References to Sex, Relationship Reveal, Texting, jared is a hoe for newsies, see if you can spot my vine reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 11:31:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12506404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantasticlams/pseuds/pantasticlams
Summary: dairyqueen: evan and i are gonna have SEX tomorrowdairyqueen: aren't you jealous jareddairyqueen: aren't you jealous we're gonna have sex and you don't have anyone to sex it up withevanhandsome: connor you're being rudedairyqueen: :) i know :)





	how does it feel to be the fifth wheel?

**Author's Note:**

> second part of this series!! i’m probablt gonna do one of these every like few months?? or when i remember to work on it lol. enjoy.

message from evanhandsome

evanhandsome: don't you love discovering new music

evanhandsome: well it's not new music

evanhandsome: but it's new to me

dairyqueen: what is it?

evanhandsome: my QUEEN my IDOL my ACTUAL MOTHER LANA DEL REY

dairyqueen: I LOVE HER

evanhandsome: YOURE KIDDING

dairyqueen: NAH FAM

dairyqueen: MY PUSSY TASTES LIKE PEPSI COLA

evanhandsome: MY JAM

dairyqueen: okay but i lowkey wanna save sex to gods & monsters

evanhandsome: ,,,,,,

evanhandsome: are your parents home

dairyqueen: yeah

evanhandsome: dammit

dairyqueen: :\\\\\\\\\

evanhandsome: now what

dairyqueen: well my parents are leaving tomorrow and they're gonna be out of town for a few days and zoe is staying at alana’s all weekend so you could come over and we would have the house  
to ourselves ;))))

dairyqueen: wink wonk

evanhandsome: okay i'm down

dairyqueen: yay

evanhandsome: wow this is so wild

dairyqueen: what is

evanhandsome: we’re gonna have sex to lana oooOOoooooOOOOooooOo

dairyqueen: indeed

evanhandsome: can we also order pizza

dairyqueen: anything you want babe

dairyqueen: we can order pizza while we’re having sex

dairyqueen: we can greet the pizza man naked

dairyqueen: whatever you’re feelin

evanhandsome: stopppp

dairyqueen: how do we use this to make jared jealous bc he doesn't have a boyfriend

evanhandsome: that's so mean

dairyqueen: oh well

dairyqueen added literallygod to the conversation 

dairyqueen: hello

literallygod: here we go again

evanhandsome: shut up you started it last time

evanhandsome: hi btw

literallygod: i mean

literallygod: u right 

literallygod: hi evan

dairyqueen: hey hey hey hey

dairyqueen: jaredddd

literallygod: ye wassup asshole

dairyqueen: evan and i are gonna have SEX tomorrow 

dairyqueen: aren't you jealous jared

dairyqueen: aren't you jealous we're gonna have sex and you don't have anyone to sex it up with 

evanhandsome: connor you're being rude

dairyqueen: :) i know :)

literallygod: wait a hot motherfuckin second right there for a minute there

evanhandsome: wtf does that even mean

literallygod: you guys plan when you're gonna hav sex??? lollllllll

dairyqueen: um yeah?? 

literallygod: THATS SO LAME OH MY GOD

evanhandsome: i don't think it's lame :( 

literallygod: IM FUCKIN CRYING THIS IS COMDEIC GOLLD BITCH

evanhandsome: :( 

dairyqueen: bioTCH 

literallygod: i ain't even scared i'm too busy LAUGIING AHAHAHAHAHAHA

dairyqueen: i will fuck you up i s2g

literallygod: try me bitch

dairyqueen: attachment: 1 image

dairyqueen: i'm deadass driving to your house

literallygod: wait wtf

literallygod: now i'm scared

evanhandsome: lock your doors 

evanhandsome: there is no way this can go well

evanhandsome: connor pls go home

literallygod: PLEASE LMAO

dairyqueen: im not actually driving to your house lmao i just got in the car and drove down the street a lil

literallygod: oh thank god

literallygod: i really thought you were gonna come to my house and beat me up

literallygod: ,,,,,or worse,,.,,,,,,

evanhandsome: jared don’t say it

evanhandsome: jared

evanhandsome: the jokes aren’t funny anymore

evanhandsome: jared pls

dairyqueen: ????

literallygod: as i was saying 

literallygod: ,,,,,or worse,,.,,,,,,

literallygod: throw a printer at me

evanhandsome: OHMYGOD

dairyqueen: attachment: 1 image

literallygod: YOU ACTUALLY WERE DRIVING TO MY HOUSE

literallygod: YOURE ALMOST AT MY HOME OMG

evanhandsome: CONNOR TURN AROUND ANS GO HOME

literallygod: EVAN YOU LIVE LIKE TWO STREETS AWAY FROM ME COME MAKE HIM STOP

evanhandsome: UGH FINE 

literallygod: THANK YOU

evanhandsome: wait MY MOM HAS THE CAR

literallygod: THEN RUN HERE AIDNAOAKS

evanhandsome: i can’t i have ASTHMA JARED

literallygod: OMG

literallygod: THIS IS THE DAY I DIE

dairyqueen: attachment: 1 image

literallygod: evAN HES OUTSIDE MY HOUSE

evanhandsome: i KNOW i can SEE THAT

dairyqueen: dude i’m just fucking with you lmao

literallygod: what

dairyqueen: im not actually gonna beat you up i’m just extra enough to actually drive to your house

literallygod: oh

literallygod: my

literallygod: GOD

evanhandsome: rt @ jared

evanhandsome: wait connorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

dairyqueen: yes evannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

evanhandsome: wOAH

evanhandsome: you’ve bested me

evanhandsome: but CONNOR 

evanhandsome: you’re at jared’s house 

dairyqueen: i sure am sweetie good job following along with what’s goin on in the convo 

evanhandsome: yeah cause clearly you’re shit at that 

literallygod: WOAHH ROAST

evanhandsome: jared literally said like 3 minutes ago that i libe like 2 streets away

dairyqueen: yeah? 

dairyqueen: and? 

evanhandsome: please come to my house!!!!!!!!

literallygod: sick falsettos reference 

dairyqueen: attachment: 1 image 

evanhandsome: aw you’re already here 

literallygod: “aw” he says 

literallygod: this bitch 

literallygod: that’s some creepy ass shit 

literallygod: any boy does that to me i’ll dump his ass 

dairyqueen: SHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH

dairyqueen: what boy is gonna a) date you and b) just show up at your house to see you 

literallygod: that’s what we all said about you mr printer 

dairyqueen: i

dairyqueen: am gonna let that one go

dairyqueen: because evan and i are gonna have sex now 

dairyqueen: and it was UNPLANNED 

dairyqueen: so HA

literallygod: wait no don’t leave me 

literallygod: you added me up in here you can’t abandon me now

literallygod: ok fine

literallygod: you force my hand 

literallygod added allama to the conversation

literallygod added zoe101 to the conversation

literallygod: hello faves

zoe101: i’m sorry

zoe101: i was under the impression that i was leaving this group chat permanently

zoe101: permanently means forever 

zoe101: and yet

zoe101: here i am

allama: hi jared 

zoe101: ^this bitch

literallygod: evening ladies, how’s my fave lesbian couple doing ?

allama: what

zoe101: what

evanhandsome: what

dairyqueen: what the fuck

literallygod: come on guys, we all know y’all got the hots for each other and made out at that football guy’s party last weekend

allama: damn how many people know about that

evanhandsome: pretty much the whole school

zoe101: o shit

allama: well there it is

allama: we’re dating

literallygod: REALLY

zoe101: yeah?

literallygod: OMG I DIDNT THINK YOUNACTUALLY WERE

literallygod: I WAS JUT HOPING TO MAKE SHIT AWKWARD

literallygod: IM SO HAPPY

evanhandsome: this is so lit

evanhandsome: you guys are gonna be such a power couple

zoe101: i know right

literallygod: how long have y’all been official or  
whatever 

allama: what day was the football guy’s party 

literallygod: last saturday

allama: since last monday

dairyqueen: shit goddamn

dairyqueen: that’s fast

zoe101: yeah we lesbians get right to the point

evanhandsome: but zoe

evanhandsome: ….you’re bi

allama: damn EXPOSE HER

zoe101: me: so jared *climbing into jared’s room through the window and shoving a microphone in his face* how does it feel to be the fifth wheel?

dairyqueen: AAAAGHHHAHAHAHHSHSH

dairyqueen: JARED IS ALOOOOOONE

allama: lmaooooo

evanhandsome: omg

literallygod: ,,,,,,ohmygod

literallygod: i was ,,,-...so excited,,,,,,.....,,.. about my lesbians…… i didn’t even,.., relize

literallygod: im

literallygod: all alone

allama: shit just got too real

dairyqueen: yeah FOR HIM AHAHUDNFKR

zoe101: don’t worry jared we’re gonna find u a mans!!!!

allama: YEAH

allama: YOU SHOULD MAKE A TINDER

literallygod: no it’s okay

literallygod: i’ll just live with the fact that i’m gonna be alone forevs

literallygod: my only love will be jeremy jordan in the newsies proshot

allama: wow

dairyqueen: that is just the saddest fucking thing i’ve ever heard oh my god

zoe101: retweet

evanhandsome: jared im coming over

dairyqueen: what

dairyqueen: we are siting in the same room but this is news to me ???

zoe101: how to not communicate with your partner

evanhandsome: i

evanhandsome: well she’s not wrong 

allama: HA 

allama: men are weak and dumb

allama: women are strong and intelligent

allama: women are SUPERIOR

zoe101: isn’t it so hot when she talks about feminism 

dairyqueen: ew bye

evanhandsome: that literally isn’t feminism???

evanhandsome: that’s misandry 

evanhandsome: feminism is the belief that women deserve the same rights and opportunities as men, not that they are in any way superior to men

literallygod: damn DRAG HER

dairyqueen: isn’t it so hot when he talks about feminism 

allama: it was a joke but OH MY GOD YALL YES DRAG US

allama: im LIVING

literallygod: evan just walked into my home and handed me three dvds

literallygod: halloweentown, twitches, and hocus pocus

literallygod: i love halloween and i love this kid

zoe101: i love that

allama: aw

dairyqueen: evan made me stay in the car after forcing me to drive him two streets over because if i came in i would “mess things up”

dairyqueen: so in our language that’s “fuck shit up”

allama: ohhh

zoe101: that makes more sense

evanhandsome: stop making fun of me 

evanhandsome: so i don’t swear

evanhandsome: what’s the big deal

dairyqueen: yeah guys stop making fun of him

evanhandsome: you? started? it?

dairyqueen: i love you

evanhandsome: i know

zoe101: WOAH was that a STAR WARS reference 

literallygod: mmmmm yes it was

literallygod: im proud

dairyqueen: i’ve never even seen star wars

dairyqueen: that was all evan

literallygod: WHAT

allama: are you….fucking kidding me

zoe101: this is why dad doesn’t FUCKING love you 

evanhandsome: wait

evanhandsome: have i just been informed 

evanhandsome: that a person whom i am in a committed relationship with 

evanhandsome: has never seen

evanhandsome: the best movie series

evanhandsome: in the world

literallygod: that is correct yes

literallygod: break up with him

literallygod: be lonely w me

dairyqueen: omg i’ll watch the fucking movies 

dairyqueen: will that make you happy 

evanhandsome: yes

literallygod: yes v much

zoe101: only then will i comply to calling you my brother

allama: wow

allama: but yeah it would make me feel a lot better  
if we didn’t have half a human in our friend group

allama: because you are never truly alive until you’ve seen star wars


End file.
